Anyone that has quit smoking (or any other crazy habit) will be able to relate to this, for sure.

I quit smoking about 5 years ago. It was probably the toughest thing I've ever done. As months went on....smoke -free..... I wouldn't feel the cravings much, at all. But sometimes, days would hit where there was an overflow of desire to take just One drag. One hit. Just a little puff....

Sometimes you were able to fight it...other times you just gave in.

That's what happened to me this weekend. But instead of smoke...it was Bethany that I was missing once again. Tonight while I was grocery shopping, I broke down and picked up a card to send to her for Valentine's Day. It's not an "I LOVE YOU" card....it's just one of those, "I'm still thinking of you" cards.  Am I retarded, or what?

Is it crazy to still miss her? It was just 2 & half weeks ago, since I saw her blow by me in the marathon.... we didn't speak, but she had to have felt something.....right? She's not a robot, ya know!!!

Anyway... I don't know if I'm gonna send it, yet. I know she's not gonna call me or anything, but it wouldn't hurt, to show her that she still means something to me... would it??

Who knows....maybe this craving will pass soon. 

 I'm a huge fan of Hip-Hop, Rap, R&B... but there are many other bands that I groove to, that don't fit into any of these categories. For Example: Red Hot Chili Peppers, Incubus, No Doubt (can't wait til the next album), Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the disco.... you get the picture.

This post is just to inform you (if you've been living under a rock for the past few months) of the amazing talent coming from the UK. Lily Allen & Corrine Bailey Rae are definitely worth checking out. They have two TOTALLY different styles....yet neither will disappoint when played in your car on one of those long road trips.

I KNOW I'm not the only person that does this....

Have you ever needed a boost to your ego after a break up??  So you call an ex-girlfriend (that you're actually still civil with) ??

I wasn't looking for a booty-call, since my ex (Jesse) lives a few hundred miles away now; just some good convo.

Anyway..... we were talking about what direction our lives have taken since we've last spoke (almost a year ago).... and it turns out she suffered a devastating break up, a while back... where here fiancé cheated on her. She spoke about how she still has Trust & Commitment issues, to this day.

KARMA'S A REAL BITCH!!!

I didn't say that to her..... but has she totally forgot the reason for all of our troubles? (BTW- we broke up 7 years ago) She was the one that decided to cheat on me!!  AND get pregnant by the other guy!!  When I talk about it, I find it hard to believe that we're still on speaking terms.... I must have really loved her, huh?? 

Now, she did have an abortion, back then... and she apologized profusely....and we must have been at each others throats for a couple of years afterwards....but all of those emotions were put to rest years ago. Time really does heal all wounds. As fu@#ed up as things were back then, if I was to see her today, I'm sure she'd be greeted with big smile & hug...

A friend of mine emailed me this really random question..... I answered it , but now i'm curious about what my new "shoutpost family" thinks. So post your responses as comments:

What personal moral do you value the most?

Sooooo ...

 I don't know if you've been following this, but I mentioned in my last post that I was thinking about asking Erson out, this week. Well, when you work at a school where it's near impossible to get someone alone....it becomes a pretty difficult task.  There's always a student, or another teacher around...just "shooting the breeze."

Anyway, I was coming back from an afternoon meeting, and I happen to notice her walking back to her classroom. She was looking pretty damn......phenomenal yesterday.

I make my way to her room....and what do you know....she was alone!! I had to make my move. However, it wasn't one of my smoothest moments.

I started off making small talk about random "school-stuff"...trying to look for that transistion to "weekend-talk." It never happened. So I had to just pull the trigger.

Her reaction was very positive... she was even...sorta...giggling at me while I was in the middle of my proposal. I think she could notice my discomfort.  But she said YES! Plus, we even touched on the idea of potential problems of coworkers who decide to date.

So I think we're heading in the right direction..... Only time will tell.

So this is the time I should be grading papers… but I can’t bring myself to focus. Too busy thinking about this weekend…..Bethany…..bullshit with my Dad back in NY….

VALENTINE’S DAY!!!!

I’m pretty sure I’m looking for any excuse to think about Bethany…but whenever I pass the greeting card section of the supermarket…..I get all depressed, again. I feel like if I call her, I’d be accepting her behavior, as if she wasn’t doing anything “shady”… 

But if she contacts me…it’s as if she saying…”hey maybe I screwed up a little.” Then we could probably move forward. I know….I know…it’s not gonna happen.

Where are you chicks from?? Venus, you say? Where can we (guys) buy that translation-  dictionary??

Anyway… funny thing that happened this weekend. I was at a bar with a couple of  friends,  on Saturday…. And in walks Erson.. She was looking pretty damn good. It’s kinda rare I see her without glasses on.  Anyway, I’m thinking I’m gonna make the move to ask her out this week. She keeps throwing out these comments, like she’s available….or looking to meet somebody new.

I know I said that it would be a bad idea to mess around with someone at work… but I don’t know….either I’m getting super lonely, or I’ve convinced myself that it truly isn’t that bad of an idea.  She’s cute, her body is…off the chain!!!, she likes to laugh, PLUS…since we work in the same building, we would have more opportunities to see each other.  I have the 2 jobs….and she coaches after school….so seeing each other during the day, could be a positive thing.

I’ve just got to find a way to get her alone.  When I was a student in high school it was so much easier to get girls alone….but as a teacher it  probably wouldn’t be appropriate to drag her behind a row of lockers to see what her weekend plans are. 

Wish me luck…

A quiet Saturday morning. No plans in the works...except for the gym of course. I log on to check my email, and it looks like the photos from the marathon are finally available. I swear sometimes I think I run just for the cool T-shirts, and the professional photos. (Not like I'll ever spend the money on framing one)

http://www.asiorders.com/view_user_event.asp?EVENTID=13986&BIB=2447

My pics came out ok.... but you know I couldn't help myself.... I had to check out Bethany's pics too. Why do I put myself through it? Of course all the pain of missing her comes flooding back. She even took a pic with some random cop... He was tall, and I know she's in to tall dudes.

I'm hoping it was just some random, guy....and not the guy that's boning her these days. It shouldn't even matter to me!!! Why do I care??

I've gotta learn how to let this thing go. It was obvious back then that she wanted out, and the fact that she hasn't contacted me since, proves I made the right decision.

I can already feel it. Today's workout is gonna be a good one. Thinking about HER always gets me fired up.

So my visit to the doctor's office went just the way I expected. It's been 4 days since THE RACE, and my knee actually feels fine, but I know as soon as I go out for a long run, by mile 5 it will be throbbing once again.

She sent me to get an X-ray, (I'm sure it will turn up negative)...but that was the first step before I head over to the Orthopedics office.

BTW- The Nurse Practitioner that examined me today is probably the sexiest older lady I've come into contact with, in a long time.  She may be a couple of years away from 50, but I'm tellin' ya..... I'd give it to her in heartbeat!! I guess I just have a thing for women in business suits.

Anyway...

Tomorrow, I've gotta try to make an appointment with one of the specialists on the list they gave me. Let's get this MRI thing going ASAP!!

...I saw my boy Chat at the gym today....we did the usual shit-talkin.

AND it looks like I'll actually have some plans this weekend... Kasey wants to go to a grand opening of a bar....& it looks like she invited Erson. It seems she's hell-bent on hooking us up.  Trust me Erson is a HOTTIE!! .... but you never want to risk making things awkward at work, if it doesn't work out.

Besides,  I still miss Bethany...so it wouldn't be fair to get involved with anybody, these days.

There's no harm in dating though.....is there??

I hope not, because I'm supposed to be checking out this poetry thing on Sunday, with Rose.

11 minutes until the Season Finale of the Duel!!!  I'm gonna miss this show once it's done tonight....but the White Rapper Show will definitely fill that need of: Entertaining "Reality"

....So the 4th PF Chang's Marathon took place three days ago. A race that I've been training for throughout most of 2006. A race that was gonna mark the first of hopefully many marathons to come.

WAIT!! Maybe you should get some background first...

I moved to the Phoenix area over 6 years ago, and somehow four years ago after spending hours and hours in air conditioned gyms, I decided to hit the pavement. I picked up running as a new hobby. Over the past few years, I've actually started getting pretty good, for a non-athlete most of my life....Fastest 5K - 19:44, 10K - 41:49, Half-marathon - 1:37:09. I wasn't headed for the Olympic Team, but I'm pretty happy with it.

Until three days ago, I never danced the BIG dance, though. 26.2 miles can be a pretty intimidating distance, but I was constantly inspired by Bethany (a skilled 4X marathoner), as the months drew closer. Unfortunately, our relationship fizzled a month before race day. (One of those summer flings, where one person believed that it was going to be more of a REAL relationship....I'm sure that will be the subject of another post, at a later date)

So first off it's COLD AS FUCK!!! 29 degrees at the start of the race... no big deal for the kid from Queens NY!! The siren goes off... & I'm feeling good...NO....I'm feeling GREAT!! I'm not breathing heavy...I'm running comfortably.....and my knee problems..gone for the moment.

For the first 8 miles...I'm with the 3:20 pacers... A little faster than I expect to finish, but I figured that I'd stick with them for the first half of the race...then fall back to 8 thru 8:30 min/ miles for the last half of the race. My plan was unfolding perfectly UNTIL......

Mile 10... had to stop to use the port-a-potty, while getting back on the road..FUCK! My knee problems returned with a vengeance...I hobbled to get my rhythm going again...UNTIL

Mile 13...the calf cramps began...way earlier than anticipated. No problem, though.... I'll just stop occasionally to stretch them out. By this time I realize that I will not be hitting my goal of 3:30...but I'm still holding on to a finishing time of 3:45

Mile 19... my calves are killing me....and I'm stopping to stretch them at more frequent intervals. While stopping to refill my water bottle BAM!!! Both hamstrings lock-up. Luckily there was a medic tent nearby. I hobbled over, they got me stretched me out, as best they could...and I was on my way. Only 7 miles to go...

At this point...I'm just fighting to make it under 4 hours. I'm thinking my buddy Alex, who ran the 1/2 marathon, is waiting for me at the finish line, coming up with a million jokes about my slow time. But I already knew that I wasn't gonna be in the mood.

Finally 1 more mile to go.... I must be moving at a 12 minute / per mile pace. My energy was there, my drive was there...but anytime I tried to move faster, my leg muscles would lock harder than ever. I was reduced to becoming a mere spectator, watching hundreds of runners pass by while it felt like I was standing in one spot. I felt embarrassed, frustrated, defeated....and just when things couldn't get any worse. Bethany passes me. It was the first time I saw her up close, in over a month. She looked amazing!! Yet she passed me, as if there was no history at all. I tried to keep up with her to the finish line (hoping we'd have one of those awkward moments where we'd be forced to speak to each other) ...but I was almost forced to the ground when my left hamstring locked up one last time... I was forced to watch her distance herself, once again.

Finishing time 4:13:06!! Not bad for many...ultimately disappointing for me. With my busted knee, I limped pass the photographers...pass the food...straight to the UPS trucks to get my clothes. Then off to IHOP to drown my sorrows in a plate full of Steak & Eggs!!

I will have my redemption, though. This year I will use the memories of this humbling experience to regroup, recover, and retrain these legs to conquer that distance!!

First stop is the doctor's office. I have an appointment tomorrow to see how bad the damage is to my knee. Fingers crossed...fingers crossed!!!